I’ve been reading a lot about forgiving toxic people so that I can move forward positively in my own life. How its “better” for me. I’ve written before about people who I’ve moved on from in a positive way. Getting to a point of neutrality about them and remaining there is great. Gotta tell you though… There have been a few doozies. Malignant, malicious, darkly and deeply unhappy people who my husband and I are supposed to forgive for unforgivable sins. So, ummm…no. Not forgiving, not forgetting. Not now.
One of these people is deceased, so if God wants to, she can be forgiven. We don’t “have” to, given the depth and gravity of the damage this person caused. We are not supposed to speak ill of the dead. Yeah. No. The facts aren’t refutable, and I have the absolute right to be – and remain – salty about it. We deal with the fallout on a daily basis. It’s stressful. She doesn’t get a pass because she died. The others…. well, lessons learned; simply moving on and not giving toxic any oxygen.
My mindset on these individuals is to decide, on a case by case basis, what works in terms of ME being able to move forward. The saltiness, the anger, that will hopefully dissipate over time. It helps to talk about it; feeling it is necessary to acknowledge and experience rather than bottle up. Telling someone that they “need” to forgive or that they can’t speak about someone is also telling them that they shouldn’t feel hurt, betrayed or angry about it. That’s not healthy either. Getting those feelings out gives control.
My goal is to move to neutrality. That point where, I simply don’t care anymore. Toxic out, healthy in. It’s also important to remember a smiling face doesn’t mean a person likes me or is my friend. Even at my age it’s a valuable lesson that is required relearning every so often. Brushing up against that kind of malignancy SHOULD leave a mark. Whatever the toxic relationship – a domestic partner, family member, friend, co-worker. I want to tell you it’s OK to be angry, hurt and feel betrayed. Talk about it with someone you trust; get those feelings out and regain your control. Decide for yourself how you need to get to that neutral place.
It ain’t easy. There’s a grieving process to go through as well; after all, you are losing a relationship. Whether by choice or circumstance it is still a loss. You may miss them, at first. That’s OK. You might also feel some sadness that your choice has created “non-relationships” for others. For example, our choice to sever ties with my husband’s biological mother meant that our children would not get to know their biological grandmother, at least while they were growing up. Let’s see, my youngest was 4 last time we had any contact so… about 20 years. That’s a sobering, somber number. But you do what you gotta, for yourself and your children. That’s all for now folks. Enjoy your day, and go forth feeling empowered by your healthy choices!
Good morning. I reactivated my FaceBook this morning after a weeks break. I’m sad to note that little seems changed. Not that I really expected it (I didn’t) but I did expect to (maybe) not feel disappointed. Disappointment was uppermost. I’m not angry right now; just sad. Sad to think that a symbolic gesture by one person is leading people to actually vote for Trump in November. Pelosi’s shredding of SOTU WAS petty. Absolutely. A gesture against the person speaking the words not the stories contained. But baby and bath water got thrown out by an individual act.
If I’m taking the temperature of my newsfeed correctly; people are turning to Trump because these stories are felt to be unrecognized. And yes, the state of our union comprises individual stories. So how about the stories of thousands of victims (usually women, but not always) who will no longer have legal protection from their verbal and emotional abusers, due to a DOJ definition change. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/doj-change-domestic-violence-definition/ Additionally, the VAWA Reauthorization has stalled indefinitely due to a spineless Senate unwilling to close loopholes regarding gun access for known abusers. Trump DID just sign an order about the rape kit backlog https://www.google.com/amp/s/thehill.com/homenews/administration/476437-trump-signs-bill-to-eliminate-rape-kit-testing-backlog%3famp. This is largely symbolic, since the manpower required to do so would be staggering.
Further, let’s talk science and climate change. Lets discuss all the environmental law rollbacks this petty man has instituted simply because he wants to impact things the former president did – without thought for the bigger picture and future impact. As a person with respiratory problems, I would appreciate less pollution, not more. Not happening in this administration.
Of tremendous concern: POTUS’ demonstrated inability to have a controlled, thoughtful and insightful response to foreign events. His demonstrated inability to work well with others and to listen to advisors who actually know what they are talking about. The mark of a good leader is knowing what your weak points are; having advisors who fill those gaps; and taking their advice. Trump doesn’t do that. Ever. And still may get us into a global conflict if he’s not checked. The Senate just demonstrated they do not have the willingness to fulfill that obligation. Which is absolutely terrifying…
I’ve often heard it said that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Trump has shown us time after time that he is a serial philanderer, a small minded bully, and a thoughtless, reckless, mean spirited misogynistic bigot with an over inflated ego. I submit that the minimum social skills required for leadership and diplomacy are sorely lacking in this revenge minded narcissist. We need a president who is at heart a decent person. That is not this man.
Please think about who you are voting for. For example, just because a candidate is pro choice doesn’t mean that they aren’t suited for the position. Additionally, a “booming economy” should not be the only benchmark of presidential leadership. This man has, in almost every other respect, zero leadership skills and no real high points of his term. He is his own worst enemy, and has only his own self interest at his core. #anyfunctionaladult can do better. We should let them.
It’s been awhile. Lots of changes, upheavals, losses, gains, joy, sadness, illness, madness, triumph, tragedy, travel and a host of other things in the last several years since I’ve had the time or inclination to write. Life came at me full-tilt boogie. Death has been a too frequent, most unwelcome visitor. In the last four years I’ve lost a sister in law, father in law, brother in law, two aunts, my mother, and my best friend. I also learned a great deal about trust (as in who not to). I directed my energies as I deemed most appropriate, and sidelined the blog indefinitely.
My social media presence has been exclusive to FaceBook. And I’ve taken a step back from that, temporarily deactivating my account while I recharge and reevaluate my priorities. Those who know me have seen changes in my world view over the last decade. I’ve learned more about privilege, intersectionality (Jesus, what DOESN’T intersect?), feminism, to name a few – and I’ve moved left of center as a result on the political spectrum. I’ve watched partisanship erode the ability to work collectively and this country’s collective values slide into an abyss of “winning”. FaceBook was doing more to me than for me, so I took that break.
I’m now in my late 50’s. My girls are grown. The oldest is getting married this year. The Viking and I will celebrate 35 years of wedded life this summer. Time for a name change to the blog at least. “Post-Menopausal Masshole” cheekily fits the bill. IMHO.
The plan, such as it is, is to focus on positives as much as possible and limit politics to a stricter schedule for posting and discussion. I’m going to try my hardest to make sure what I say is (my) True, Necessary, and Kind. Also, tightening access to all of my sm.
That said, I’m trying to reconcile some stuff: I’m in a fortunate (privileged) position in that I can step off sm for a time and my day to day reality becomes less toxic with that click. Because I am a cishet white person, my “real” life isn’t all that hugely affected by the current noxious poli-social culture. For so many of the people I care about, their lives are impacted to a much greater extent than just their social media presence. They can’t simply deactivate their actual lives. It’s awful, and I don’t know what to do with that terrible feeling.
So much time, so VERY VERY missed – every day. You were here for dinner 7 years ago tonight, and I never saw you again. I miss you and think of you so much, Daddy! Today, and every day. …… So here’s my story again
Through the Door: 7 years Gone
I pull in the driveway just as the shadows are starting to lengthen and the afternoon is at its golden magical moment. Its been a long day and my feet are killing me. As I walk up the deck steps to the back door I don’t hear our two dogs barking – which is strange, because they usually bark when a leaf blows by the window – never mind when they hear footsteps on the trex decking. But no matter – I’m tired. I open the door and take a step into the dim coolness of my kitchen – shedding my sweater as I walk in.
I’m greeted by Miss Nellie – our old greyhound, who lifts her head off the couch and grins at me, tail thumping. For a millisecond I accept this – then I freeze. Nellie’s been at the Rainbow Bridge for close to three years now. Then I hear his voice behind me – “What’s for supper, Donna Jean?” Dad? Oh, Daddy…. I spin around and RUN, fast as I can, hugging him tightly. He’s real, and I’m not hallucinating. “Take it easy kiddo”, he says, “I’m still recuperating. I just got the OK to drive again today.” That’s when I know. It’s June 6, 2007. Its not the date I woke up to this morning – but when I stepped through my back door this afternoon it’s where I ended up. And I’ve been given a rare gift. One more last afternoon with my father.
I frantically try and think of any way to keep him at my house for as long as possible, as we chat about the girls and wait for them and my husband, to get home. Its surreal. My brain is telling me this isn’t possible, but oh, my heart…. my heart. I don’t know how I manage to keep it together; as this great big lump of emotion in the center of my chest tries to work its way up my throat and explode out of me. But I do keep it together, barely. Dad doesn’t seem to notice. There’s so much I want to tell him, but can’t. The crew gets home just as I think I can’t stand any more and they prove a distraction. I’m in for another shock – when I left them this morning they were 21 and 15. Now, they’re 14 and 8. We decide on pizza for dinner and Grandpa is highly encouraged to stay. As usual, the girls have him wrapped around their fingers, and so he does. I content myself watching him with them, remembering how much they mean/t to him and how much he loves/loved being their grandfather.
Time slows, I start to almost feel like this is normal – and then it suddenly accelerates as Dad gets ready to leave – he’s heading for an AA meeting – just like he did before. My heart sinks because I know he’s leaving and this is the last time I’ll see him – again. Don’t go Dad. Stay awhile. But the time arrives. I know it, and I know I can’t stop him. I tell him unequivocally to take it easy – reminding him (as I follow him out to the car this time) that he has to see the surgeon before he goes back to mowing lawns and landscaping. But I know it won’t make any difference. There really are no do-overs. What was, was. What is, is. And what will be, will be. The timeline is locked in, and on June 7, 2007 he will have a massive heart attack while unloading his lawn mower at a clients house and he will pass away before I can get to the hospital to say goodbye. “I know,” he says. “Love you. Sayonara, Kemosabe. Keep the Faith.” “Bye Dad, I love you too!” And with that, he leaves – just like before.
As I turn and walk back up the driveway the light shifts back to golden for an instant. I hear the dogs barking inside the house. I go back through the door again, back to my future. I smile through the tears I can now let loose – because I got my chance to say goodbye, after all.
Thought I would post these today, with permission of course. Time slips away and these moments are gone before you realize it. Thank You Baby Girl – for allowing me to save them and share them. You’re beautiful! May 3, 2014
Elegant, Classy, Florally Sassy. And all Three – GORGEOUS!
With apologies to Don Henley who wrote that lovely song that’s been an earworm for me today…. My daughter’s boyfriend’s mother posted on Facebook today, wondering about trust after being burnt severely (figuratively speaking) which sparked (pun intended) some great conversation about said trust, whether or not people can truly change, apologizing, moving forward, and forgiveness. It got me thinking.
Of course, we are in the middle of the Lenten season, wherein we meditate, make small sacrifices (Not small animals though, wink wink) and reaffirm our connection to our higher power as Christians. Those of you who know me know I am definitely not an overtly religious person. I don’t proselytize, I’m fairly tolerant, moderate, and liberal in my religious viewpoints. And I certainly don’t force my views on anyone else, or expect others to conform to my way of thinking. I have discovered progressive Christianity and it makes sense to me. But I digress. That being said, I do strongly believe that LOVE and FORGIVENESS are the keystones of the Christian faith.
Here’s my response to her initial post: “Did the person apologize? We have the option to forgive, and we never have to forget either. Leopards don’t always change their spots, but sometimes they can. There’s a nasty person inside each of us. In some, it consumes them. But there’s also good in each of us. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean they get a free pass, and you can choose not to have them in your life. Forgiving allows you to move forward unencumbered. And if they’re still a slimy lying sack of putrescence, it’s not your problem anymore. Good luck!” The person has not apologized, for the record. And, has apparently not changed their spots, even though they are being vocal about being a changed person. Its a sad fact of life that sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself and another person is remove them from your life. I speak from experience.
Anyway, let me tell you a true story….. I’ve alluded to it before in my “Tales from the Northland” series on this blog. So let’s talk about my mother-in-law for a few minutes. The Vikings biological mother. Who has, shall we say…”issues”…. She’s a manic depressive who refuses to take medication. And she doesn’t like me. At all. I come from a family that loves and talks to one another no matter what. My dear husband’s female parent doesn’t have relationships with too many members of her family. And its always their fault. Her problem with me stems from the fact that I believe her issues with her family are hers alone and if I want a relationship with them, then I will have one. Period. My husband recognized that he (and consequently, we) would never have a stable loving relationship with his mother, LONG before I did. Had I listened to him – I would have saved myself much stress. No “kamikaze” nasty voicemails on the answering machine when I came home from work, no disappointed children because they didn’t understand why their grandmother didn’t call them or arrange to visit, no venomous, filthy letters blaming me for all her problems with her son and her grandchildren. I think I even caused the crucifixion of Christ himself if you asked her about it….. I do wish her well though.
It took me quite awhile to get to that point. Especially since it was affecting my children. You can say what you like about me, but don’t screw around with my kids. Momma E will get seriously pissed off…. and I did. She had reached out shortly after 9/11 after a few years of no contact. I imagine quite a lot of people attempted to repair, or did repair, relationships after that time. We were crystal clear that if she was in our lives, she was in, and that she would maintain contact with the girls regardless. That didn’t happen. So we severed ties. My children do not understand conditional love, and that, unfortunately, was all the woman could offer.
Mental illness is a terrible thing. I understand that she was driven by her paranoia and her disease. So I forgive her, but I would forgive even if she wasn’t ill. Its easier than being upset. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that not everyone is going to think I’m amazing – even if I am (Ha ha just kidding). And I recognize that being the biological parent does not automatically grant access rights to adult children, or their children. The most loving thing we can do for her, and for ourselves, is stay away – far away. Needless to say, the last 12 years have been stress free in terms of monster-in-law issues. I kinda like that.
Leopards usually don’t change their spots, and the art of apology is almost non-existent these days. There’s usually a “but” tagged on right after the “I’m sorry” which negates the apology completely in my opinion. But regardless, forgiving is the right thing to do. As I said in my response to the Facebook post, it frees you. I don’t have to worry about what my mother in law is doing or where she is. Its immaterial. I hope she’s happy. I just don’t want her near me or my family. I can rest easy in the assurance that I am not contributing to negativity, entropy, or bad karma.
If I stress about this and other issues like it, I lose sleep, I get cranky, and needlessly anxious. Which is of course, not a good thing. So it is about forgiveness. Forgetfulness, no. I need to make sure that my family and I are in the best mental place possible. I love my monster in law in the sense that I wish no ill to befall her and that she have a happy, productive life. I/we just want no part of it. Being loving, as I said before, sometimes means that the toxic people in your life have to get out of your life. Being part Irish, I’m also superstitious. I truly think that if you wish someone ill, it comes back on you. I make sure not to rock any empty rocking chairs with my foot and if my front or back door blows open – I don’t ever say “Come in.”
In this season of reflection and reaffirmation, I think it important to acknowledge that sometimes things are broken beyond repair. And that in order to move on in a healthy manner, one needs to be forgiving, but not forgetful. Thats all I got for now, friends. Enjoy your evening!
This made headlines recently and I figured I could use a good op-ed piece to get my muse kick-started again. So here goes…
First of all, I am completely supportive of same-sex couples adopting and/or having their own biological children together. A loving home with good consistent co-parenting is a key factor in raising a healthy well-adjusted child. (I’m leaving single parenting out of my factoring in this case, although a loving strong and consistent single parent is just as effective in raising a healthy well-adjusted child – I think we all can agree that having two involved parents is the optimal situation for all concerned. Parenting is a tough gig.) That said, it is not the “right” of any couple to be able to have children simply because they want them.
If one or both of the partners is infertile then medical insurance can cover procedures to mitigate that, and/or provide Artificial Insemination or other options to assure pregnancy. In the case of this lesbian couple – its safe to presume that at least the biological mother was fertile – in which case it was NOT incumbent upon her medical insurance (if she had any) to provide coverage for the AI procedure. Just as it is not incumbent upon a fertile heterosexual woman’s insurance to provide that coverage. There’s no problem with the plumbing in either case.
No, I can’t say its fair that same-sex couples have to struggle on this level too, but in regard to this issue – that’s the way it is. I’m going to use myself as an analogy here for a moment: I had bariatric surgery several years ago. I could use a few nip/tucks here and there post-weight loss. However, I am not covered for it. Fair? Nope. But that’s the way it is. Life’s given me bat-wings so I better learn to fly with them! Anyway, however any of us may feel about same sex relationships, and related civil rights – we cannot deny basic biology. Unless there is some help or scientific intervention there can be no fertile relationships between same sex partners.
So, – the correct thing to do if AI is the way fertile females are choosing to conceive, is to SAVE THEIR MONEY in order to get the procedure done. Mistake #1 in the case I am discussing here. Mistake #2: The couple advertised online (Craigslist???) for a sperm donor. They must be OUT OF THEIR FREAKIN MINDS. Mistake #3: The man involved actually responded to an online advertisement to be said donor. He was not a registered sperm donor. HE must be OUT OF HIS FREAKIN MIND too. The poor kid could’ve ended up with John Wayne Gacy or Delphine LaLaurie as parental material! We all know what a wonderful, safe place the internet is, so let’s search it to find the perfect person to create a child with…….. OR NOT.
Mistake #4: AI is a medical procedure with inherent risk even when performed by a licensed physician. Conception a la Turkey Baster at home is, how shall I say this – a “Bozo No-No”….. yeah that works…. The woman was fortunate in that her home performed procedure did not result in complications such as infection, peritonitis, sepsis, STD’s, or even death – and lead to a healthy baby.
I guess my bottom line here is that life isn’t fair. We all have dreams that are unfulfilled; things we want to do that we cannot. It is what it is, and we should try to make the best of it if we cannot change it. The Kansas court rightly decided that the donor should be responsible for child support in that proper procedures were not followed by any of the adults involved regarding the insemination of the woman, or the subsequent support of the resulting child. The judge also quite correctly inferred that the child is the person who matters here. Hopefully this will serve as a heads up to other couples deciding whether or not to have AI. If you want to be a sperm donor, please register and donate at a licensed medical facility. These steps protect you legally. If your insurance doesn’t cover artificial insemination, save your pennies, consult a lawyer, draw up a binding contract that clearly spells out obligations and will be recognized in court, and use state approved and medically licensed facilities and personnel to perform the procedure. Or alternatively – ADOPT. There are far too many children who need loving and supportive homes out there. But that’s another story…..
Whew! Hello Again “Strangers”! My apologies for being away from you all for such a long time. I have missed writing, blogging, and my photography intensely these last few months. Life took an insane turn for the busy is the best way I can put it. (Those of you who are friends on Facebook will know exactly what I’m talking about) But for those of you who are not, or who I’m not in direct communication with – here’s what’s up in my neck of the woods:
I have scarcely had time to breathe or relax since August. Several family members – including my mother – have been very ill with serious medical issues and/or issues with aging. It is now time for me to step up further, along with my sister and step-siblings, as we continue to adjust our assistance to help meet the needs of our parents. The initial period of adjustment has been, shall we say, “bumpy”? – as diagnoses are mentally processed by all, and plans are put in place. I’m not a friend of Bill W – but I do find myself saying the Serenity Prayer frequently; as I’m learning the difference between what I can and can’t change in a BIG hurry; and finding my balance in the process (which is a good thing!) But I gotta tell ya – its tough when you live just down the street – jussayin….
As someone who went to school for Social Work and more importantly, as a Parent, my first instinct is always to be “The Fixer.” I see, I analyze, I solve…. Problem is, not everyone agrees with what to me are obvious fixes. Therein lies the rub…. I also need to remember that not everyone is looking for advice, sometimes they just need to vent. I don’t have to have a solution for everything. And I don’t. There are things that I have to let be, whether I like it or not. I can, figuratively speaking, grab a seat and some popcorn to watch the ensuing train wreck. I may have to do that – and I’m not happy about it at all.
Additionally, other friends and family are struggling with their own issues and I am doing my best to be supportive of them. Who ISN’T struggling these days? That would be the short list I think. That’s the list I would like to be on, even for a brief time. It doesn’t appear to be in the cards for me right now – but I’ll live. The Viking changed jobs and went back to his old company in CT. His former company has downsized considerably and cut all overtime for employees. Since we are trying to replenish the seriously depleted nest egg – this was unacceptable. Like most in the middle class – we can generally pay our bills on 40 hours, but saving appreciably? No way. So, he applied back with his old company and was pretty much re-hired on the spot. We had to get a second car for him, but well worth it. Good news in the midst of Mi Vida Loca!
For those who are interested, my weekday looks like this:
6:30 am – Hit the deck, get ready for work etc
7:30 – Commute
8-4 or 4:30 – Work
4/4:30 Commute
5pm-7/8/9 pm – Dinner Prep, Chores, Pet Care, Child Taxi Service as needed, Dinner, check in with family, friends, shop, run errands etc. etc…. (Wine, anyone? 😉 )
9/10/11 pm – TV/Read/Bed (depending on level of tired I am)
It doesn’t look like much when I write it down, but Boy Howdy! It sure takes the starch out of my knickers. And when the morning light comes shinin in I get up and do it again, Amen. And I remind you, dear readers, I am not 25 anymore. La Vida Loca, indeed. Weekends are spent catching up on chores I don’t get to do during the week (like the major housework) and helping the Viking with the outdoor stuff, plus doing whatever my Mom needs help with. So yeah…. Busy, busy. And its not like the girls don’t help. But Chaos is rarely around on weekends and busy with college and work during the week. Mayhem is helpful but also increasingly busy as her high school social life expands. She’s now involved in the Drama Club and the GSA at school; and Keystone Club and the PAL Mentoring Program at The Boys and Girls Club after school. Fortunately, one of her friends’ family and ours kind of “co-op” transportation duties so no one has to play taxi all the time. In many ways, it does take a village these days – or at least another family – to raise children. This weekend my friend Eve – of the aforementioned family transportation co-op – is coming over to help me regain some control of my house and the clutter therein. It’s a mess despite best efforts otherwise. She’s really, really good at organizing and de-cluttering so is going to give me a consult free of charge! Hurray!!!!! We have a really small house (approx 800 square feet) with only two micro-closets. Add two large breed dogs, a cat, a ferret, a teenager and three adults and VOILA – hot mess!
So that pretty much catches you all up my friends. I should have an op-ed post up about the Healthcare debacle in the near future, as well as whatever else strikes me or tickles my funny bone. I just need to find the time to gather my thoughts and write the darn things! Hahaha.
I must admit I didn’t get the underlying social messages when I watched this wonderful movie as a youngster. I was more interested in the beaches, and later as a teen – in the beefcake – to give much thought to a little bit of a song in the midst of all that glorious technicolor – sun, sand, the United States Navy, and the US Marine Corps. That little throwaway number has become an earworm for me over the last few weeks, as I try to make sense of the senseless. I did a bit of research about the song, which actually had a pretty powerful message for 1949; and again in 1958 when the movie was released. Apparently Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein felt so strongly about the importance of that message they insisted it remain in the performances, even if it meant that the production failed. In essence, this song was the lynchpin of the entire play/movie to them, and could not be removed. And it was not, despite considerable political pressure to do so.
Humans are not born racists, homophobes, bullies, misogynists, thugs, or criminals. We are taught, and as the song goes – by “six or seven or eight” – taught to hate. It’s pretty easy actually. You just have to point your finger at someone who looks or acts different than you and blame them for your misfortunes. It’s easier than blaming yourself, after all. You just have to be afraid of the different. It’s kind of genetically programmed into us – right? Biology and survival of the fittest ; we cull out the mutations. We make snapshot judgements about others and we pass on what we think we “know” to our little ones. With our words, and with our actions, we teach our children to mistrust and/or hate people who aren’t exactly like us. Chips off the old block, as it were. We’re becoming increasingly polarized, intolerant, violent, and murderous. It’s almost impossible to even agree to disagree these days. The uber liberals and uber conservatives belittle and scoff at one another in their quest to be “right” and get the last word. Centrists don’t seem to have a voice – and a loud centrist voice is sorely needed. I had hopes at one point that our POTUS would be that voice, hopes that have been dashed by the realization he can’t even get out of his own way, much less facilitate an environment where all can come together to work towards solutions.
So I guess it’s up to us folks, and not the politicians. And maybe that’s as it should be. If change is not coming from our government, we must bring it to our government. Rightly, righteously, respectfully. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That all people are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
We need a different lesson plan for People; for Families. We start with self respect; we set a standard for behavior at home and in public and we hold everyone accountable. We talk TO our children rather than AT them. We do not tolerate bullying or demeaning behavior and we support our children to speak out if they are targeted; and to stand up for others who are being harassed. We stop making excuses for offenders and we expect consequences for offenses. It’s based on the Golden Rule. Do unto Others…. We have the talk with our sons about respecting our daughters. We have the talk with our daughters about respecting our sons. We encourage learning – more books and less TV. We work at making our adult relationships work so that our children can see that these commitments are neither convenient or disposable. We admit when we are wrong, and we apologize. We can reeducate, but it will take some hard work. . I feel sometimes like I am screaming at the top of my lungs to what at best is echoing silence. These truths I have outlined, this lesson plan for humanity is SELF-EVIDENT. A no-brainer. A return to that Golden Rule and the Core Values our society is based on (see above).
Above all we need to get mad, in the proactive sense. We have to stand up and scream “No More!” No more hate speech, no more name calling, no more profiling, no more beatings, no more rapes. No more feeding a beast that deems softcore porn appropriate entertainment matter for a globally televised awards show. No more judicial system that says a 14 year old girl bears responsibility for consenting to sexual activity with a man more than twice her age… Just exactly how does one become “older than their chronological years” anyway? She is not an emancipated minor – just so that’s clear. 14 is not capable of legally consenting to ANYTHING. Coercion is implicit when a much older person gets a minor to perform sex acts. Apparently this is something the judge chose to ignore in his statement of ruling. No more mothers who sit bored and yawning in a Georgia courtroom where their son is on trial for cold bloodedly shooting an 18 month old toddler. Society’s Moral Compass is severely misaligned at present, quite obviously.
It bears repeating – This is what we need to be CAREFULLY TEACHING:
Respect yourself.
Treat others with Respect and Kindness, even if you do not receive Kindness in return. Remember that a difference of opinion is not a personal attack. If you can’t say something nice(ly); don’t say anything at all. (“You Stay Classy San Diego!”)
Play by the Rules.
Help your Neighbor.
Speak out about Injustice and Inequality. Be that shining light in dark places when all other lights go out.
Own your mistakes and strive to do better.
Get – and stay – Educated. Learn to read, speak publicly, write well, and most importantly LISTEN. You’ll find out much more when you are silent and observant.
Above all – Love one Another.
That’s not really so hard to do. The government isn’t going to legislate that for us. We have to do it ourselves. It starts with an individual commitment to change, and a commitment to raise our children to be better people than we are. How many of you reading this are willing to make that commitment, take that step, and for example perform an act of kindness for a total stranger? Give up getting a few extra presents under the Christmas tree and instead donate that money – or some of your time, to a food pantry or homeless shelter? Set limits with your children and enforce them? This includes curfews, and dare I say it again – some form of dress code? We can carefully teach our children by our loving example. They pay far more attention to what we do. What we say – not so much. (Ask any mother of a teenager about that – we’ll tell ya!) Hold the door open for an elderly person, offer to help someone struggling with grocery bags. Show our kids that we have respect for one another and I’m pretty sure our kids will start showing respect too.
I do not want these people, and countless others I can’t name, to have died or suffered for nothing – please remember them:
Delbert Belton. Christopher Lane. Antonio Santiago. Trayvon Martin. Matthew Shepherd. Islan Nettles. Cheryl Green. Jyoti Singh. Brandon Teena. James Earl Chaney. Andrew Goodman. Mickey Schwerner. Martin Luther King. Phoebe Prince. Jamey Rodemeyer. Reginald Denny. Paramjit Kaur. Satwant Singh Kaleka. Prakash Singh. Sita Singh. Ranjit Singh. Suveg Singh. Francois Chenu. Ginger Slepski. James Byrd. Jennifer Daugherty. The Victims and Families of 9/11. The Victims of the Manson Family Murders – included because it was Manson’s stated intention to incite a race war. The 11 million + Victims of The Holocaust. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………
I am feeling inadequate this evening. Also very sad, and very, very horrified. Mr Delbert Belton, an 89 year old veteran of the Battle of Okinawa during WWII has tragically been beaten to death by two individuals who aren’t worth the amount of time it takes to type their names. I am absolutely incensed by the fact that a member of the Greatest Generation has been horrifically murdered by two members of the Worst Generation – the worst generation EVER. The Gimme Generation. I’m not gonna play a race card here (draw your own conclusions folks) But seriously I DON’T CARE what your income level is, or what color skin you have. There is a standard of decency and civilized behavior that must be maintained- and just because you don’t like white people does not give you the right to target and murder a defenseless old man. Any more than just because you don’t like or trust black people gives you the right to profile, stalk, and shoot them in “self-defense”. This man did NOTHING to deserve what these two sub-humans did to him. Any more than Christopher Lane did to deserve getting shot in the back by 3 lazy good for nothing teenage idiots.
This man Delbert Belton – this Hero, sacrificed of himself so that future generations could live in freedom. Think about it – if the Nazis had won the War does anyone believe that people of color; or of a different culture, would even still exist? Honestly, the crematoriums would still be burning if Hitler and his cronies had prevailed. But if you do believe otherwise, I have swampland in Arizona I can sell you on the dirt cheap. Delbert Belton and his comrades fought for EVERYONE – and he ended up getting his head bashed in for it. I wonder – whatever happened to respecting your elders? Hell, whatever happened to just plain respecting each other? I think I might be able to tell you – but you probably either won’t like it, or just don’t want to hear it….
Its all about entitlement and enabling. It’s about covetousness. One of the biggie major sins the Ten Commandments talks about. Somehow, during our efforts to assist others to better themselves, those we have tried to help have got the idea that they are entitled to what the rest of us have actually worked for. And we help them to validate this by buying into the “race card” idiocy. Which – to be fair – isn’t always idiocy…. But – Tell me, please – since when does decent, caring human behavior come with a color? A person is a person is a person. If we truly want to have a dialogue and work towards a resolution of prejudice and racism then we have to agree AND ENFORCE a minimum standard of humanistic behavior towards our fellow man. This does NOT include beating someone’s brains out – just so we are clear. No exceptions or excuses. Excuses are where we get bogged down; where we get foggy. Here are some statistics:
48.5% of African American children are growing up without a father ( in a single parent family) http://www.withoutafather.com/facts.php A severely disproportionate number of victims, suspects,and arrest-ees are African American – in New York City at least, as of 2012. http://www.nyc.gov/html/nypd/downloads/pdf/analysis_and_planning/crime_and_enforcement_activity_jan_to_jun_2012.pdfI I have been informed ancedotally that up to 70% of violent crime is committed by African American males between the ages of 16 and 21. Are the rest of us wrong to be wary? No. Wrong to profile – absolutely yes. But in the case of Mr Belton – Its quacking just like a duck – and loudly. This case, and the Lane case in OK, unfortunately quite solidly reinforced the stereotype. And guess what? If you don’t want to be thought of and treated like a gangsta thug – STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!
How do we assist single mothers to raise their sons to respect life, respect humanity – in all its diverse plumage? I don’t think we do it by throwing 50K a year (in MA) non-taxable benefits at them. ( thats just me though and just so y’all know that’s a LOT more than I make annually!) Delbert Belton was an 89 year old widower and military veteran with nothing of value other than his dignity and a Purple Heart. Why did he become a target? I think perhaps because we are raising a society that has no empathy, no connection to one another, no moral compass. I don’t dislike anyone based on the color of their skin. I dislike them for the demonstration of their lack of character; their lack of humanity, their stupid sense of self-entitlement, and their complete disregard for the value of life. As John Mellencamp wrote: “Its what you do and not what you say – if you’re not part of the future, then get out of the way!” This man was literally defenseless – and yet somehow two lowlife thugs who have extensive juvenile records for assault amongst other things – thought it appropriate to beat him with flashlights until he died. The future holds no place for ignorance, intolerance, disrespect, and injustice. Read a Book, Get Educated, Be Aware, , Ask Questions, Speak Out, Be Responsible.
At some point we need to put aside the racial baggage and start fresh – a clean slate – with the idea that all of us have intrinsic value and that no one should be a target of violence simply because their skin is a different color. There has to be a standard of proper behavior for humanity. Not one standard for one group, not an excuse for another. Until there is one standard for all, until the murder of any one person causes everyone to be outraged, until equality means we all play by the same rules – we are, and will continue to be – in a lot of trouble. So if you can’t play by the rules on the field – you should be ejected from the game. We can even provide housing for you – its called prison. We can achieve true equality much easier if we hold everyone to the same standard. Delbert Belton’s generation understood this – fought and won a war for it in fact. And, if we don’t start seriously addressing this problem, Mr Belton will have died for less than nothing. I, for one, will not stand for that. Rest in Peace Mr Belton. You are honored, and will be missed. #JusticeForDelbertBelton
Conversations over Coffee 