Please Explain: What is a Cheerio doing in my Sugar Pops?

This quote is a funny family story about a family friend having breakfast with us while we were on vacation and finding a different brand of cereal floating in the milk amongst his preferred brand. He asked my mother to explain why, much to the amusement of all of us. OK – maybe you had to be there to get the full comedic effect; but trust me – it was hilarious at the time.

Let me now make the connections to today’s post. We had a snow day today here in the northeast, and my fingers and brain have been itching to get back to my writing. I decided to catch up with some of my blogger friends and came across this gem : Les Miserables and Social Injustice which I highly recommend you read. BTG and I don’t always see eye to eye but we provide and promote a climate that encourages thought, especially thought outside the usual boxes. Love that about him, and many of my other friends in the blogger-verse. As usual, his post got me thinking.

Just yesterday I was at lunch and talking with a co-worker/friend about current events, social issues etc. He comes from a very liberal background, but also has a great deal of common sense which we agreed is in short supply these days. He told me a story about leaving a previous social service job, and why. He used to work for an agency that provided advocacy, outreach, and support to families in crisis. Families would contact the agency with a variety of serious issues ranging from eviction, property theft or damage, home heating issues, social service legal issues like CHINS petitions, DCF interventions etc etc. One family contacted the agency because they had no heat and no money to pay for home heating oil. The agency arranged with a supplier to donate 100 gallons of heating oil to the family. Later on in the heating season, the family, perhaps trying to economise – had to relocate because their pipes froze and the residence was uninhabitable. The agency set them up with a hotel and got pro bono volunteers to clean up the flood and mess, and repair the dwelling. At the staff meeting, my friend brought up his concerns about arranging for the children to get back and forth to their school (they had to relocate to a hotel some distance from their neighborhood), and about reestablishing their routines as quickly as possible. To my friend, this meant arranging with a taxi service to get the family to and from school etc. It also meant perhaps trying to arrange for the family to meet with a financial planner/social worker who could help them create a budget to meet their needs. He was shot down, because what the rest of the team wanted to discuss was getting the mother a washing machine. (?!?) The agency had spent a lot of money and man hours helping the family and other families in similar situations. Another family had their property stolen (TV, air conditioner and the like) My friend brought up the idea of providing all the families with renters insurance. Its relatively cheap – like maybe 150 a year, and would certainly cost less than having to continually pay for replacements. Property theft is a huge issue for folks living in poverty. That idea too was shot down.

I daresay he felt like that cheerio swimming in the bowl with a bunch of sugar pops. The lone grain that’s completely good for you; and yet completely outnumbered by sugary sweet, completely non-nutritious “fluff” that tastes better – but has little health benefit when consumed. Now I’m sure that the folks working at that agency were well-meaning with big hearts. However, it was clear to my friend – and subsequently to me via his tale, that they were not able to, or actually could not, identify the pressing issues that would empower these families to regain control of their lives – rather than merely enabling them. In other words – no common sense. The sugar pops won the day, my cheerio friend quickly realized he was swimming in the wrong cereal bowl, and left his position forthwith. (See, I did relate my material to the title after all!)

One of my biggest peeves is this lack of common sense when it comes to allocating our time, talents, and treasure in terms of social activism, grassroots volunteerism, and implementation of social programs . Believe me when I say that I totally get the gray miserable-ness of poverty life. I understand how people want some happiness and how in the process of reaching for that, unplanned pregnancies may occur. Which is why I am totally for making viable birth control available cheaply to all. We’re human, and better penny wise than pound foolish. It costs less to provide a young lady a pill, or a young man a condom, than it does to support a single parent family on taxpayer dollars.

Now, I’m not poor. Both my husband and I are employed (Thank God!) – but we are living paycheck to paycheck just like millions of other middle class Americans and I know first hand how incredibly difficult it is to find any joy in life when all you are able to do is try and figure out how to get all your bills paid and make your earnings stretch as far as possible. Its horribly depressing to struggle with financial issues. To have to make the choice to pay bills rather than buy your kids Christmas presents. But guess what? That’s what we did. As responsible adults we have an obligation to provide the essentials for our families. If there’s no money left over after that, then that’s just too bad. There, I said it. We are only guaranteed the right to PURSUE happiness, we are not guaranteed happiness itself. So, I put my big girl panties on and I’m dealing with it.

Anyway, I believe – in my practical mind – that social assistance is supposed to help provide the essentials to struggling individuals and families. The essentials is the key concept here. The cheerios, if you will – NOT the sugar pops. And,we must keep in mind at all times that if we don’t hold people accountable then it becomes our responsibility as well when the system gets abused and our generosity gets taken advantage of. The current state of the welfare system has little direct oversight. We’ve managed to automate much of the processes and procedures. For example, when I was briefly on unemployment in the mid-eighties I had to actually report to a person in the unemployment office and provide them documentation of my job search efforts in order to receive my benefit check. I had to actually go to this office once a week. No phone calls, no computers. Face to face with the caseworker. These days its a matter of logging in on a computer and typing in whatever information you feel like. On the surface, this makes sense and would appear to save money. However, it’s hard to lie to someone’s face. Much easier to be less than truthful on an impersonal website. Now I’m not saying everyone is lying – I’m only saying that the system makes it easier to do so – and there are individuals who will lie to get what they want (human nature being what it is and all).

EBT cards are another example of a well meaning procedure/process/benefit that is incredibly easy to abuse. I’ve seen it firsthand and written about it previously so I won’t bore you with a recap but I can tell you it absolutely FROSTS me to see my hard earned tax dollars wasted in this fashion. I’m sorry you don’t have enough of your own money to get that lap-dance buddy, but you CAN’T (shouldn’t) spend your EBT benefits in the strip clubs, or getting a tat, or a manicure, or buying booze, or purchasing non-nutritious food. “Life is not fair”, I tell my girls all the time, so “Get used to it!” Here’s my cheerio (common sense) fix: 1.You should not be able to use your EBT card to get cash. 2. If they can set up EBT cards to reject alcohol and tobacco purchases it is certainly worth the effort to set them up to reject junk food and soda. These are not essentials, they are luxuries. We are not doing anyone any favors by enabling them to purchase non-essentials. And I really don’t want to have to pay more via your medicaid health insurance for your kid to get their cavities filled because you won’t set limits and give them nutritious food instead of those push pops you got for the “buy one get two” special at the Stop and Shop….. Grrrrrr!

No positive or empowering lessons learned – not in any way, shape, or form. We are not assisting anyone in differentiating between “want” and “need”. This is a crucial life lesson that absolutely has to be learned in order for anyone to be successful in life. Looking the other way and allowing the luxuries just because we feel sorry for folks is not actually empowering them at all. My co-worker friend had another great example about this: He was doing a home visit and saw that the family had a rather large HD LED or plasma TV on their wall. He asked about it, and was told that it was rented – paid for with the welfare benefits the family was getting. Here again is a great example of waste – and lack of prioritization. This family had all sorts of legal financial and other problems and yet felt the need to spend taxpayer dollars on the luxury of an HD television. (that was actually costing the taxpayers more than if they had paid for it outright because they were renting it) Sugar Pops. Dumb Sugar Pops.

People need to understand that a welfare check is not actually their money. They need to be accountable for how it is spent. It is a misnomer to refer to this type of benefit as an entitlement. It is not. They didn’t pay into the system, or work for it. They are not “entitled” to it. Veterans are entitled to benefits because of their service to our country. Retirees are entitled to their social security checks because they have paid into the system throughout their working lives. Laid off workers are entitled to unemployment benefits because they have worked. Our society has seen fit to provide charity to those in need. “Assistance Benefits” would be a much better phrase to accurately describe what is being provided. Now if you want to reform the welfare system and require “work for wages” then by all means, feel free to refer to it as an entitlement in that case. We need people working in the system to prioritize using a common sense approach, with a mission statement of “empowerment, not enablement” – and the mindset that goes with that.

But what do I know, I’m a cheerio swimming in a bowl full of sugar pops….

cheeriossugar pops



Offering my most abject apologies here for the wasteland my blog has become lately.  There is so much going on in my life right now that when I do have a free minute – all I want to do is relax and not think about anything. I’m hoping things will slow down a little soon, because I do feel better when I write and I love hearing from my readers and blogger friends and relatives.  I also desperately need a vacation, I haven’t had any significant time off since the holidays.  So I’m taking this opportunity to write quickly; as I found an opportunity to surface for a quick breath of air  (“Gasp!”)    I’m due to go under again in just a few minutes,  so sending you all love and big hugs!  I’ll try to post snippets and some pictures if I get the chance. Right now, I’m taking care of me and listening to my inner voice- which is telling me to relax and do nothing  whenever I get the chance.  Please know I love you all and really appreciate all the friendship and support you offer me every day.  You lift me up. Hugs again  (One can never get, or give, too many of those!)   Best,  Donna

Communication Breakdown

English: Jimmy Page #2 in Madison Square Garde...

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Question Everything

Question Everything (Photo credit: dullhunk)

Communication Breakdown, its always the same. I’m having a nervous breakdown. Drive me insane”. ~ Led Zeppelin

“Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes.. . . Here it comes my 19th Nervous Breakdown.” ~ Jagger/Richards

“What we have is a failyah to commyunicayte.” ~ from ‘Cool Hand Luke

Warning: Semi-Snarky (new favorite word bt dub) Post in…..

I’ve been dealing with variations on this theme for over a week now at home and at work and I’m going slowly, irrevocably crazy. Apparently people think I am a mind reader, or psychic?. Is there a sign on my forehead that says “All Seeing / All Knowing”? When was I notified that I am responsible for things outside my normal purview?

Today at work for example: I don’t normally do any ordering for our fax/copier/scanner machines’ supplies (ie toner etc) – never have. So imagine my consternation when my boss comes around the corner frantically asking why our sites are ordering supplies from the wrong source? How would I know? I was informed that I had (supposedly) sent an email to everyone about this when we ordered new machines (apparently there’s a contract with the company) BUT a close review of my received and sent email shows two things – 1. I was never instructed to send such an email 2. said email was never written and sent (because I was never instructed to do so). “You are in contact with the computer tech officers” (that is true) but they don’t order supplies either soooo….. The logic would appear to be flawed… Fascinating, Mr. Spock…. Therefore the argument is invalid… Boom!

Then, dealing with the state bureaucracy/idiocracy was fun today too. We received a request that we continue to process some incident reports, through the states web based reporting system. Unfortunately we did not provide services to the people involved at the time, so cannot even view these reports-never mind process them. The list attached to the request even clearly indicated that it was another agencies responsibility. So I had to call Boston directly. The communication breakdown occurred because Boston assumed our agency assimilated the other one. (Resistance is futile!) When in fact, we only took over one of their programs when they lost the contract. Do the local state offices communicate with Boston? Apparently not as effectively as one might wish. Because the local office knew the situation and yet strangely the request to fix the reports originated with them. I’ve given up trying to understand the bureaucratic mentality. Things that should be straightforward and simple turn into a ginormous cluster***k the second any bureaucracy steps in.

And then on the home front: Is it default “mom” status that I’m just supposed to know what’s going on at all times?. Or be the read-between-the-lines interpreter? Sorry, but “I need a little information to work with” first. I’m also constantly being asked if I know where stuff is. I don’t, usually. But I can find it if need be, I guess… Lately these questions seem to be revolving around missing clothing items (in the dirty laundry perhaps??) Both girls are certainly more than old enough to do their own laundry and I’ve been letting them. Less work for me for sure – but I am still being asked where things are. And, I’m also expected to remember what their plans are because one or both of the girls mentioned them to me in passing – once. (they were probably walking through the room and not looking directly at me when they were speaking, or I wasn’t paying close enough attention.) Have people forgotten that my hearing is shot? (I blame AC/DC for this “Back in Black” Tour, 1980 ) So they get annoyed because I ask what’s going on and they respond “I told you that already Mom.” And they did – but I didn’t hear them, they didn’t write it down anywhere, or put it on the calendar for me to refer to. I’ll put a request in for them to do this… right away… again…

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So anyway – today: My older daughter forgot her work shirt last night when she packed to stay over at a friend’s house. And apparently there is a half day today at the elementary schools so she would not be able to be a bus monitor at 11:30am since she is in class at the University till about 2:45pm. So she texts me at lunchtime ‘IDK how I’m getting to work. Nevermind about my work shirt.” I took this to mean that she forgot that I myself am transportation-less at the moment. “Nevermind about the work shirt” meaning that she had wanted me to get it and drop it off to her at work -which has had to be done in the past by the way, and therefore not outside the realm of possibility. So I texted her back that I don’t have a car today and she got a little snarky with me in response. Sometimes texting is straightforward, and sometimes it’s foggy. Today was certainly a poor visibility day, text-wise anyway.

I tend to be in “mom” mode 24/7 and I generally assume that if you are texting me with an issue or asking me a question – you are implicitly inferring that this is something you need my advice or help with. This is not the case every time. Soooo NOTE TO SELF: (singing) I must remember this: A text is just a text… (a sigh is just a sigh) … At least some of the time anyway. Or unless/until someone says otherwise. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Roger that. Over and Out.

Wig Moments

I’m having far too many of these days lately – what my friend and co-worker Jackie refers to as “wig moments”. This refers to the need to actually wear a wig because you’ve pulled your hair out from the stress of dealing with people.  EPIPHANY-(insert harps and trumpet music here) That’s probably where the phrase “wigging out” came from in the first place.   Now that I seem to have  learned something today let me proceed…

I ask myself on a daily basis “Hey if I can do this – How hard can it be”?  Mistake number one, because obviously someone at some point during the day is gonna futz up something that should be easy-breezy.  Is it because they’re dumb? No. They just have a different way of looking at the issue than I do.  This has become my mantra lately. The only thing saving others from serious injury – and me from jail or a Rogers Order…

There are times when I feel like the teacher from the “Peanuts” cartoons. Wahh, wahh wahh wahhh…  aaannnd  repeat.  Just when I think I have been crystal clear about something -apparently…. NOT.  Gahh!  Those  feelings of invisibility and frustration I’m sure we all know.  I’ve discovered the benefits of email at work and text messages at home when it comes to documenting communication.  If its there in black and white it can’t be argued with.  They still try though. But, it helps with holding people accountable – at work and at home.  Keeping my sanity means compartmentalizing – a lot.    I have a work “box”, a” personal”  box, and several others.  I try to only take stuff out as I need to deal with it and put it back when I’m finished.  If its not out on my plate, then I can relax a little.  That, and a good glass of wine while preparing dinner. . .   Any thoughts? What coping strategies work for you?

When your Boss says “We need to talk”…

Yep, the most dreaded sentence in the workplace.  Guaranteed to put your stomach in knots.  But it doesn’t have to be that way. Its perfectly normal to feel anxious when your boss says “please see me”.  The first thing you think is “Oh crap!  What did I do?”  We are conditioned to expect that most feedback is going to be negative.  We’ve gotten used to our paychecks being our reward for working, and only hearing from the higher ups when something goes awry.  In my opinion though, 9 times out of 10 you’ve caused yourself unnecessary stress by thinking the worst.

Look at it this way –Get ready for the maybe, then forget about it.  You can do this by imagining your response to your worst case scenario and then filing it away. Retrieve it only if necessary.  You’ve already thought out what you might say, so even if the sitch goes south you can hopefully maintain your composure.  After all, maintaining composure at work is essential – and expected.

My personal experiences have taught me that my boss usually has a project for me, a heads up about something, an opportunity for me, or even maybe a personal story to share.  Rarely, if ever, have I been called on the carpet. Not that I haven’t been blindsided a few times. It happens.  But I’ve found I can hold onto what’s left of my sanity much easier if I don’t freak out over something that hasn’t happened yet.  I spend a couple seconds or minutes figuring out ‘what I might do if…” and then set it aside. So there you have it for what it’s worth. That – and a $1.79 – will get me a Dunkaccino.