I’ve really tried to avoid posting a lot of bitchy or angst-y stuff on here – because I do realize that nobody likes a Debby Downer. Negativity pushes people away – right when one might need them the most. So I try not to be negative very often with my posting. Oh I’ll editorialize – I’m an opinionated Swamp Yankee after all – but I try hard to keep things positive. But lately I’ve been lead towards thinking that perhaps I am not being as authentic as I should be with my friends and readers. The truth is powerful, yet sometimes its a stinky, suppurating, bloated, uncontrollable mess. The truth’s power is resurrective, but in order to do that, the truth first has to become a corpse. And there’s nothing “magnificent” about THAT- unless I’m being wicked sarcastic. And I do that well, in case anyone is wondering, or had any doubts.
So yeah, the last few months have been on and off hellish, and this last week has been an absolute nightmare. A nightmare I have absolutely no control over and limited influence with. Several people in my personal circle are dealing with serious illness right now; or are awaiting confirmation or an “all clear”. The issues with my mother and step dad continue to spiral up and away – and I still have a front row seat to all that. Then there’s financial stress, always fun…. I’m also dealing with the dreaded M word and while so far the hot flashes have not shown up – my mood is all over the place and my reserves of patience deplete quickly. Let’s just say I am not suffering fools gladly these days, shall we? All of which makes the communication dynamic with my mother quite “lively” at times. Several of you I have messaged, so you know the deets. I appreciate your thoughts, advice, support and good wishes more than you know.
I find it helpful to vent, but some of those I vent to often misinterpret it. They don’t like to see me upset, and it gets them upset. I’ve told them that I’m just venting, then I feel better and can cope. I need to get all that crap out of me- but it still gets misinterpreted. Plus, now they are dealing with their own issues and I do NOT want to cause them any additional stress. Soooo yeah – here I am, frantically rowing the boat with one oar while it slowly sinks. Translation: locking myself in my room, screaming at top volume, and then curling up on my bed to sob quietly. (so far I have avoided sucking my thumb, but I’ve been tempted) And the Viking, the one I should be able to rely on, well he seems to “get” it sometimes. Other times, I feel like I’m dealing with a 2 year old…. The girls know enough to just let me be- or just hug me, but the supposed “grown up” is becoming the uber-needy one. I don’t like being needed as much as I seem to be these days. Especially when I feel like few are listening to what I need.
It feels to me like people just don’t understand I’ve got nothing left at the moment. There’s a HUGE empty pit of blankness inside me now. Reserves of strength and happiness occasionally trickle in – enough so I can function through my days anyway. But I’m going nowhere fast. There’s little to look forward to – and very little money to do much of anything I consider fun. “Going for walks in my neighborhood” is not an option with the weather we have been having anyway (I can’t breathe soup) and I’ve lived here a long time – seen it already – BORING – also, few of my neighbors speak English and I don’t speak Russian. I can’t visit with them very much. I did bite the money bullet and book an overnight trip to stay in Gloucester next weekend with the Viking and go on a Whale Watch (a birthday present for him – he turns 47 on Thursday) However, I may have to cancel those plans in order to be available if those in my circle need me bedside. This person has already told me there’s no real need for me to be there, and yet I want to be. Which would leave me/us stuck here, and I’m selfishly, bipolar-ly a bit put out by the thought. The SECOND I try and do something that makes me happy, that goddamn Murphy has to show up and invoke her stupid law! Of course I shouldn’t project – and just wait to see how things play out.
So here I sit, in the rut of day to day boring sameness. Stuck. Feeling more than a little sorry for myself. And I haven’t even started discussing the sandwich generation issues yet…. Oh boy! Talk about frustrating. Wondering just who the heck that woman is living down the street from me, and what in hell did she do with my mother??? There are a multitude of aging and substance abuse issues to address there. I can view them fairly dispassionately using my “professional filter”. I can and have offered viable solutions – as if to a client. My mother wants no part of my ideas. She wants things her way and her way only, and cannot, will not change. Which leaves my stepfather, unfairly, on a slow boat to nowhere. She doesn’t want to deal with his aging issues and illness, it would mess up her routine (ie her drinking schedule) too much. For example, my sister and I have suggested they make their small unused dining room a second bedroom/sitting area for him so that he can putter around and not disturb her if he can’t sleep. But… NOOOO! She’s flat out said numerous times “I can’t take it, I’ll just leave.” – which leaves me speechless and wondering if she ever took her marriage vows seriously at all. I find myself increasingly angry with her and at her. I straight up told her she’s not coming here if she leaves, and suggested she just cut to the chase and get a divorce if she can’t handle it. She doesn’t want to, yet she’d just abandon her husband – who shouldn’t be left alone – but who presents no danger to himself or anyone else. My mother refuses to believe that (“I don’t know what he’s going to do” – because he won’t do what she wants him to on HER schedule). Visiting nurses and home health aides? Sure, but according to my mother, for too few hours. (she’s already decided that, without even trying it first). She won’t talk to a therapist either. So… “whatever, Ma” I guess I’ll just sit back, shut up and get ready to clean up the mess after the situation implodes. And I’ll literally be able to watch it all from my deck, oh happy day!!
So I say ENOUGH ALREADY! I can’t get away from anything, but need a break. I get up, go to work, deal with all that work stuff, come home- to the same house, same dishes in the sink, same laundry, same set of unsolvable issues, address what I can, get the chores done – go to bed, get up and do it again…. AMEN. So tired and emotionally depleted. Yet I’m still needed – and I just haven’t got it to give. I’m uncomfortably numb, a deer in the headlights of an oncoming diesel truck. Which is part of the reason the Viking is having “berserker” fits on occasion, just adding to the stress. I feel a little better now that I’ve verbally virtually vomited all through this post. No easy solutions – but that hovering SH*T Fairy- (her name is Brigid Murphy by the way) she can leave anytime now. Really… Seriously… Right Now.