Head Table Place Settings (Photo credit: VancityAllie)
Remember when you were a kid, and you couldn’t wait to sit at the grown up table on holidays? No more mismatched chairs, paper plates and plastic cups at the rickety old card table. No sirree bub – you got the formal dining room and the good china at the adults table. You were where it was happening. Definitely a mini rite-of-passage, at least for this chick. As the oldest child and oldest grandchild I got to go first. Woo Hoo! Welcome to the Party, Pal!
But I want to talk about a different table. The Head Table. I don’t mean where Bride and Groom sit during their reception, or where the Silver and Gold Anniversary Couples get to sit. Those are cool places to be. The happy place – center of attention and hub of the party wheel. I want to talk about the table you get move up to – and sit at – when your parents pass away. Its not an actual table, but its a real thing nonetheless. And its emotional, and scary. If all goes as hoped, you’re bound for the cemetery next. Not that anyone hopes to die, but if The Fates are kind, they take you before your children.
When you step up to take your seat at the table (if those Fates have once again smiled upon you) you’re usually middle aged – and usually with children and grandchildren by that point. Sitting down, you get to take stock of your life to date. You evaluate your goals, reevaluate them and maybe even change career direction. Or divorce. Or remarry. Have a full blown nuclear mid life crisis. Make a menopausally fueled Hit List. Or none of those things. But - underlying whatever is going on is the stark reality that there’s no human buffer zone between you and the Great Beyond anymore. No safety net below you as you stand on the platform at the ceiling of the Center Ring. Tag. You’re it.
I was chatting with my Aunt Jean the other day. She lives near Chicago, but we try to connect with one another as much as possible. She was 17 when I was born, and she’s my Godmother. We were discussing careers and work. She mentioned that at my age- I’m at the apex career wise. If I’ve reached for the brass ring already – great. If not, I’d better do it soon. She didn’t say so, but I thought - I’m approaching the Head Table, dammit. I haven’t sat down yet because my Mom is still with us; but I’m halfway up there as of 2007 when my Dad left us terribly, suddenly. Two of my best friends in the world – Cheryl and Martha – have a seat saved for me. Cheryl’s been sitting up there since 1999. Martha, since last year.
I’ll be in great company, but I’m really not ready to move up to the Head Table yet. Those Fates though, they don’t deign to ask whether or not you’re ready to sit up there. And if I had to guess, I would say that NO ONE is ever ready for a seat at this particular table. The view is probably lovely up there – friends, family etc. The love, palpable. But it seems a lonely place, regardless of the company you’re in. And, taking your seat up there acknowledges that you are, in point of fact, now an orphan.
So, as I meander towards my new assigned seating (which I FERVENTLY hope I will not have to sit in for a few years yet) I find myself asking the questions: Am I happy? What makes me happy? Do I matter? Selfish questions, but at my age I’ve paid enough dues in life to ask such selfish questions. I also ask unselfish ones: Have I made a difference to someone, helped someone, been a good parent? (Don’t ask my girls that until I’ve had a chance to bribe them) Hahaha! . And finally: What do I want to do with the next 30+ years of my life? I’ve certainly discovered a passion for writing and photography in the last year or so. I would like to build on that if I can.
What questions will you be asking yourself as you approach The Head Table? Or, what are you thinking about as you sit there? Inquiring Minds…. etc.
I woke this morning to the sound of giggles and murmuring in my living room. Mayhem (the youngest) has been sleeping on the couch because of a spider-fright in her room. Chaos (the oldest) had to get up early to register online for next semester’s college courses. So of course Chaos had to make sure that Mayhem was awake – because in her world if she ain’t sleepin, ain’t nobody sleepin. They didn’t bother me (today ) and so I snuggled back into my cocoon of warmth for a few extra ZZZZ’s. When I finally emerged into the living room – Chaos was registering for her classes and Mayhem was doing her usual morning zombie shuffle. At some point, Chaos decided to help herself to some post-Easter Jelly Beans.
Didja ever start eating something that you thought you knew what it was; but it turned out to be something different? Well… (Gagging, goat-like noise) “Mom? Black jelly beans, what flavor are they?” Me: “Liquorice.” Chaos: “What’s anise, then?” Me: “It tastes like liquorice…. Its a plant.” She had been expecting grape flavor -mistaking black for purple in the dim light. Well, since things usually taste pretty crappy when you were expecting one taste and get another – much merriment ensued when the word “anise” was phonetically compared to the word for the body orifice that produces said crap. Which I was unaware of, quite apparently - since I continued to blather on about the anise plant. The girls were still chortling over “anus” and thought I was commenting about anuses….how you can boil and reduce them to make the liquorice flavor. Yes, I have lost my mind – but not quite on that grand a scale – yet….Mayhem was holding her sides. To paraphrase JRR Tolkein: Its a dangerous business – getting out of bed in the morning.
Fast Forward to this afternoon: The Tale of the Drive-by Puking. To set the stage: the usual state of affairs is that Chaos brings Mayhem home after work, since the younger one is a member and the older one works there. They arrived home at abut 6:20 pm today – par for the course. Chaos had to relate what happened on the way home - literally just up the street. They had turned down our street and were approaching the neighbor’s house. Both girls noticed a girl sitting on the curb. The car in front of them slowed, stopped and picked the girl up. Mayhem: “Whats going on?” Chaos: “Getting a ride, or getting kidnapped.” Door of car opens, girl leans out – Kidnapping Escape Attempt? Nope. She proceeds to hurl on the street. The driver waves Chaos around and gives her a wide-eyed “IDKWTF is going on” look as they pass the car. Said car then proceeds to speed off down the street in some haste – leaving the lovely deposit behind…..
I am not surprised. In this town literally anything is possible. But I think I have had enough strange hilarity for one day.
I have been having a multitude of conversations with my 14 year old lately dealing with behavior, morality, human sexuality, sexual orientation, social acceptance, bullying etc. More than I ever seemed to have with my oldest at that stage of her life. Times have gotten tougher everywhere. These times, they are a changing – or are they? Its not that my youngest doesn’t get it, or is having trouble socially – it’s just that what’s out there is so darned overwhelming. She starts high school in the fall. It’s a whole different world – even more so than when her sister went to high school – and CERTAINLY much different socially than when her dad and I attended, way back in the “olden” days. (and it’s a whole ‘nother planet when you think of the differences between now and her grandmother’s generation – who probably graduated in the 50’s or 60’s) But perhaps not. There is so much further we still have to go in terms of inclusion, equality, and respectful social interaction.
I read this online today at www.aholyexperience.com and while my prevailing thinking does not generally run toward a religious bent – something she said really resonated: “When the prevailing thinking is ‘boys will be boys’ – then girls will be garbage.” And I went: “Wow…” since I have those two girls of my own. Being young – and female, in today’s society comes with enormous challenges; and becoming a successful, self assured, independent female adult requires great sacrifice, a strong steady moral compass, sheer cussed stubbornness – and a big mouth. Raising such women has been supremely difficult – and supremely rewarding. Raising girls sure is tough. Girls are, well….girls. There are days when I feel extremely sorry for The Viking – trapped in an unending sea storm of estrogen.
We’re up against it aren’t we, after all? That glass ceiling – career-wise. A woman earns 70 cents for the dollar that a man earns to do the same job. Hypersexualization of women in our culture from an early age Toddlers and Tiaras, anyone? Jon-Benet? . Madonna provided a hypersexualized portrait of women in their early 20′s. Brittney Spears brought the age level down to 17/18 and Miley Cyrus – 14/15. This society we live in, with its severely delinated and defined gender roles that allow no room for people to just be people. Outdated patriarchal thinking that allows women to be objectified; and is more concerned with blaming a woman for her clothing choices on a Saturday night out with friends – rather than blaming the drunken lout who assaulted her. “Boys will be boys” after all. Boys are not accountable simply by virtue of their gender?… Wait, what? Yeah, I went there. The “rape culture” that blames the victim and elicits sympathy for the offenders. Witness Steubenville, Ohio.The media laments about “promising football careers lost” while simultaneously – and gleefully – reporting that the underage victim had been drinking. Witness Delhi, and Datia Province – both in India – where one only need be female in order to be assaulted, defiled, and murdered. Witness Elmont, NY – where a 15 yr old special needs student was gang raped beneath her desk while class was in session – with a teacher only feet away. They were all asking for it? By being drunk? Being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Being developmentally disabled? Or merely by being female? Oh I think not! Things like this make me want to keep my girls home permanently. Only I didn’t… haven’t… won’t.
My daughters both have minds of their own – quite intelligent and compassionate ones. The 14 year old is particularly sensitive to social issues and is not shy about expressing her opinions even if they differ with mine. (The older one is even more vocal, hahaha) My views at this point in life are somewhat jaded (I guess that would be the most apt word). “It is what it is, my friend – and life’s not fair – so get used to it.” That’s not to say I won’t pick any battles, but I have seen the futility of tilting at the proverbial windmills.
As my youngest starts to establish her adult identity she is of course interested in self expression. Hairstyles, clothing styles etc. I have always encouraged my girls to choose for themselves, – but within limits. The conversation we had the other night is a good example. There seems to be a fashion fad going around of people wearing informal style pants where the crotch hangs down around the knees by design. The waist is not pulled down manually – as has been the gangsta style (underwear showing) that’s been so popular. Below the knee, the pants (t shirt or sweatpants material) fit tightly to the calf. I did not hesitate to tell her what I thought: 1. Looks like pajamas, which are NOT acceptable to wear in public 2. Looks like the person wearing it has a full diaper and needs to be changed – again, not acceptable in public.
Like it or not, people will be judged by their appearance. If you walk out of the house to do business in public in your pajamas – you will be perceived as lazy, period. If you are dressed like a two dollar hooker – please do not be surprised when you are treated like one. Is it right or fair? – NO. But its not going to change anytime soon. How do I teach the fine line between self-expression and immodesty? Or sloppiness? or laziness? Hopefully it began long ago, when their father and I (again hopefully) instilled a sense of pride in themselves. By demonstrating that we do things the right way, not necessarily the easy way. And, by treating each other with respect and tolerance. Walking the talk, as it were.
No one has the right to harm another person, no matter how they are dressed, what their IQ is, where they are from, or how inebriated they are. That said, however – it is also important that women remember to be proactive, self protective, and self aware. This means understanding that choosing to wear the belly shirt and the micro mini-skirt may bring unwanted attention. It means being responsible – and response-able, making smart choices. We cannot control how others behave; we can only control our own behavior. We can hold others accountable for their behavior, but ONLY after the fact. And by then – Damage Done. Damage in the form of teasing or bullying, harassment, or outright physical harm.
The teenage years are horrid at best – so why would anyone deliberately make extravagant choices that would paint a target on their back? What about that self expression? Well, living in adult society often means compartmentalizing and role-playing. For instance – I’m a jeans and tee shirt kind of girl – who also happens to be tattooed. However, I work in an office that has a dress code and I have to wear business casual attire Monday-Thursday and cannot go sleeveless even in the summertime. Do I feel stunted or my freedom of expression impinged upon? Not really – because who I am inside is always there and I don’t need to show it on the outside all the time in order to feel I’m living authentically. I know I can go home and change when I get out of work. I have developed a public identity to go along with my private one. My personal friends and family see a more complex me than my acquaintances do. My professional contacts see me only superficially. Their opinion of me on a personal level means little. I merely have to do my job and be pleasant. I have a bigger obligation to be “real” to my acquaintances and even more so with my friends and family. This is the process teens are working through – developing their adult identities and coming to terms with the fact that our public and private faces do not necessarily have to match in order for us to live happily. Finding the balance, becoming OK with the layers.
Another issue is that we tend to over share these days. Somehow we’ve gotten the idea that unless we are acting uninhibitedly we are being untrue to ourselves. NOT SO. Just because we can do something does not mean we should. A bit of inhibition is a good thing. Self-restraint is a sign of maturity whether you’re male or female. It’s a fine line to walk, and a big challenge to impart that lesson. (The brain’s judgment center is not fully developed until the mid-twenties) Teen females also need to learn to navigate the patriarchy and carve out their own niche – not settle for whatever society determines is right for them ie: The Trophy, or The Bitch.
So I’ve told my girls: Be authentic – do what feels right, provided it doesn’t hurt anyone. Be respectful, and expect to be respected in return. Harm none. Speak up against injustice and unfairness. But, recognize that as a female they will have to do it better than the boys to even be considered half as good. And that by speaking up, by demanding that respect – they’ll be thought of as Bitches. And that’s OK – a strong Bitch is hard to push around, isn’t she? I want my girls to be happy and successful. I have tried to make sure they have the tools to excel in today’s world, while also striving to assure that they have the dreams and vision to aspire to something better for themselves. So in the end, they can choose to be someone other than a Trophy or a Bitch. And THEIR daughters won’t even have to think about it.
You get to 50, you feel at least slightly entitled to start offering advice (to your family anyway). Welcome to my world, pull up a chair and “set a spell, take your shoes off” (name that TV show!)
One of the toughest parts about being a parent is letting go. We’ve been there, done that and learned from our mistakes (hopefully). As the girls get older they spend more and more time away from home. It occasionally creates a tremendous amount of anxiety watching my children socially navigate in the deeper waters of young adult hood. Knowing the missteps I made, and hoping against hope that we (parents) helped provide the tools needed to make better choices than we did at their ages. Sometimes its so hard not to fire up that Huey and pull an “Apocalypse Now” type moment – screaming “DON”T DO IT!” while ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ plays bombastically in the background. I try very, very hard not to be a helicopter parent. This does not keep me from keeping my mouth shut. (Like anybody ever could, lol!) I will dispense all of the advice I think they need. Of course there are standard house rules for both that are non-negotiable; but the six year age gap necessitates a different approach with each.
Fortunately, I have been blessed with intelligent children, and they have intelligent friends. Not to say that they haven’t been “Richard Craniums” on occasion (can’t we all?) and not listened to their Momma – who is ALWAYS right, until I’m not . By and large though, they do. As my oldest prepares to step into her twenties, I have grown strangely smarter in her eyes. Talking with my mother, she said this phenomenon occurred with both my sister and me as we grew up too. My father always handled his advice-giving to his late teen and adult daughters with the preface: “You do as you please, but….” I find myself saying this to my girls; always having liked how it sounded – the respect and empowerment it gives to the other person. The “agreeing to disagree.” This simple statement allowed him to acknowledge me as an adult, but also enabled him to get his two cents in. Brilliant, just frickin brilliant….
But, Dad always knew when to back off. I can only imagine how many times he left my presence shaking his head at my utter stupidity. He was always there to help pick up the pieces post-disaster, and refrained from rubbing salt in the wounds with the proverbial “I told you so”. Not that there were many disasters – I quickly realized that my parents weren’t as dumb as I’d originally thought. I’m still working on the backing off part. With a background in social work and 30 years in human services I’ve spent the majority of my adult life problem solving, assisting people with making choices and planning for good outcomes. It grinds my gears when people don’t listen to me, because I know what I’m talking about. And if I think I’m right, I will argue the point ad nauseam, ad infinitum. When the girls were little, this wasn’t an issue. My job was to make the decisions for them. Now that they’re older its really hard to relinquish that duty.
My babies are going to get their hearts broken, and mine will break for them too (have already in fact). They’re going to miss opportunities. They’re going to make choices I won’t agree with, that I know are bad for them. And I’m going to have to let them – because I want the girls to be able to handle whatever life throws at them with grace and fortitude. They can’t do that if I wrap them up in pink tissue paper and put them in a closet. (figuratively speaking). So, when the predicted disasters strike, I’ll be biting my tongue – like my father did, to avoid the “I told you so.” And be there with my sleeves rolled up, available to help if needed. I should say that they’ll be fixing their problems themselves. I’ll be the cheerleader. I guess the parent curse does work after all. I have kids just like me…
And here is some sage advice from Mike Adams at NaturalNews.com. The article is about identifying sociopathic and/or cult behavior, but the advice itself is pretty spot on – and in one form or another this is what I have attempted to instill in my children:
“#1) Think for yourself. Be skeptical of everything. Most people, corporations, governments and institutions are lying to you. There is much good in the world, but there is far more selfishness and greed which is falsely presented as that which is good.
#2) Follow your inner truth, not some external guru. Any guru who demands your obedience is a false prophet. A real teacher is one who empowers you and sets you free to explore your life experience with complete freedom tempered by a code of morals and personal responsibility.
#3) Serve in the protection of life, with or without a church or spiritual group. You can protect life every day in your own garden. Resist the seduction of profit and power that comes from serving darkness (i.e. working for Big Pharma). Seek to protect life, which is sacred and precious.
#4) Value all living things, including animals and plants. You are their shepherd. Protect the diversity of life and the integrity of the continuation of life. (For example, resist GMO and plant only non-hybrid seeds.)
#5) Live an authentic life. Practice what you teach. Walk your talk. Do not speak with one face and then secretly act out another. Spiritual strength comes from spiritual authenticity, and even if the world isn’t aware of what you do when no one is looking, God and the universe most certainly are. Karma counts.
#6) Defend the innocent. Stand your ground against bullies. Resist tyranny. Promote freedom, liberty and justice. Help others when you can, and seek to empower others with the skills and knowledge they can use to support themselves rather than creating dependency.
#7) Tell the truth. It is powerful… perhaps the most powerful thing in the universe. The truth unfailingly outshines lies and deceptions. And even when the people around you may not see the truth, the greater universe does. By telling the truth, you empower yourself in all areas of your life, and you bring yourself closer to true spiritual understanding.”
Warning : adult themed post with some graphic language. Please do not read further if you find graphic language offensive. Thank you. Normally I come up with a catchy (to me at least) title for my posts before I start writing. This ones different. It took me till about 3/4 of the way through writing this until the title “Gibbs slapped” me – just in case anyone wanted to know . I’m having both a very proud and very sad series of moments this evening. Came home from a co-worker/friends surprise baby shower (it was, by the way – a surprise, I mean) and was told by my oldest I should check my facebook . I did.
I can usually look forward to at least one “self portrait” of my oldest and some sort of funny and/or snarky comment to go along with it in my newsfeed. Like many other ladies her age, she’s apparently addicted to the back camera feature on her iPhone. Its actually kind of neat that you can now be in the pictures you take, right? Anyway, that’s how she rolls. I noticed how many comments happened to be on a few of her posts so I went back to look at them. (yes, I’m friends with my kid on facebook and I do check in on her newsfeed and twitterfeed – #stalkermom lol) And immediately became both dismayed and proud all at once. Some girl complained that she takes too many pictures… my Chaos responded nicely that she should delete her from her newsfeed if she found it annoying. Next thing, this girl was calling her fat, and other nasty things….. My baby said ” You can remove my updates or just unfriend me… I’m not changing my social networking habits because it annoys you…regardless, you have control over your reaction – if I’m annoying you its because you’re letting me have that power.” , then basically told her to go ahead and “swing away” if it made the girl feel better. She did, calling my daughter a “fat attention-grubbing wannabe hipster slut with a shitty fucking tattoo.” Chaos handled it pretty maturely. Made her mama proud!! Then, my baby’s friends jumped in. And away we go – with a blown up facebook wall… over a hundred comments on two wall posts. YIKES!
The picture that started the firestorm……
I’m proud of my daughter. She’s 90% all grown up. She’s always had a temper, and a strong sense of fair play. Learning to moderate reactions is always difficult when growing up – but when that control clicks in, you got it made. I’m also really thankful for friendship and that so many people obviously care about her.
Friends!!!! Just one of the many comments in support… ;
Here’s what makes me very sad. That people still feel the need to resort to malicious name calling for any reason. Especially the three letter f word. I used to be that girl. I don’t look in the mirror and see a size 6/8 – I still see a size 24. I’m treated very differently now than I was 7 years ago – when I weighed over 300 lbs. Do people realize that the standard of ” beauty” women are expected to aspire to and strive for is actually unhealthy for most people? (Thats a rhetorical question, I know most people don’t) If Marilyn Monroe were to buy off the rack today, she’d take about a size 8 or maybe a 10. (She was handsewn into everything she wore in public by the way, so its hard to say for sure).
Marilyn Monroe (Photo credit: sasha065)
Why is it that people make so many assumptions about someone who is overweight? Why does fat=lazy? or stupid? I’ve been treated like that, and I am none of those things. In my case, my weight was due to my addictive personality. An alcoholic can give up drinking and live. However one cannot give up eating and remain breathing. Did people honestly think I wanted to be heavy, that I wanted to be laughed at? passed over for promotions at work? that I couldn’t see what I looked like in the mirror? Believe me I did, I still see it. I struggled with my weight for years and years before finding something that worked and helped me. That said, I will never ever point fingers at, make fun of, or even suggest to anyone that I think they have a problem with their weight. If they want to come to me for advice then I will certainly share my story with them – but stand in judgement – nope. That was me, not so long ago and but for the grace of god that would still be me. Sticks and stones will break bones, but names DO hurt. They reverberate, resonate, & come back to haunt in the wee hours. Bones heal, bruises fade away, verbal wounds may never ever do so. So why say such hurtful things? I was actually told by a relative once that if I didn’t lose weight my husband would leave me for someone younger and thinner. He didn’t, as you could probably guess. The Viking is a stand up guy. (Love ya Honey!)
It costs nothing to be nice. It would be great to see more people doing so, instead of making themselves feel better at someone else’s expense. And just for the record, my oldest baby is 5’8″ and all of the sassy, curvy, and healthy. Me, I’m 5’7″; slightly less sassy, more saggy than curvy (hey I’m 50 not 20), but still healthy. My youngest, fast approaching 5’7″, more sassy than me, and quite healthy too! The Viking is a lucky guy to be living with three such lovely ladies! Even if I do say so myself….. Peace, out.
Cropped screenshot of Marilyn Monroe from the trailer for the film Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I’m usually quite garrulous but this afternoon I am somewhat at a loss for words – having read the news today (oh boy) about the two babies in Indiana that were left in their parents’ cars in this sweltering heat. A 4 month old is dead, having been left in the car outside her grandparents home; and a 16 month old is struggling for her life after her “mother” (using that term loosely) left her in the car while she went clothes shopping. (yeah…. clothes shopping) The temp in one car got over 125 degrees…. Its unconscionable – and I truly hope they lock up these “idjits” and throw away the keys.
My heart goes out to the rest of their families, but I have no sympathy for the perpetrators whatsoever. If I think about this too much I will start to cry. I can feel it coming on now. This happens every summer in the US somewhere. I cannot imagine why or how anyone could forget that they have a baby in the back seat of their car. No excuse is acceptable. Becoming a parent is a priviledge. I honestly think people should have to take a test and get certification before being allowed to reproduce. They would have to score highly in the common sense category definitely. And also achieve high scores in the empathy and sensitivity categories. Why am I so indignant about this? Pull up a seat.
First, my husband and I spent years going through infertility hell. I would get my hopes up month after month only to have them broken, scattered, and stomped on. I’ll have the full story later on in my “Tales from the Northland” series but suffice to say for now that it truly was 5 years of hell before our first baby came along. and more years – and a horrific miscarriage – in between the oldest and the youngest. (There’s 6 years between the girls) My husband got to the point where he wouldn’t let me watch the news in the evenings because if there was a story about child abuse or neglect I would become very emotional. I could not, cannot fathom how anyone could abuse the privilege of child rearing. I would have given my right arm to have had any of those children. The Susan Smith case sent me over the edge – I cried on and off for days.
Secondly, it just offends my sensibilities as an intelligent adult that someone could be that frickin STUPID. Seriously buddy, you FORGOT about your kid – your most precious possession,and YOU FORGOT they were in your car????? What kind of a wet brain does something so profoundly, stupidly horrible??? I prefer to believe they were forgotten rather than callously disregarded. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the possibility that someone would leave a kid in a hot car and knowingly walk away. I can’t say I don’t think there’s people out there who would do that though – I just prefer to not think about it and thereby sleep better at night.
How do we stop senseless tragedies like this? No easy answers for sure. In the case of the 4 month old both parents were teenagers. Not that I’m trying to pidgeonhole anyone but statistically speaking most teens are not the most responsible of people. Most of them are still learning how to be responsible adults but they’re not there yet. Watch “Teen Mom” if you don’t believe me…. Just another reason why smart teens should be practicing safe sex if they are going to be sexually active. The mother in the other case with the 16 month old looks older mid to late twenties perhaps. Words fail me with this one, who doesn’t even have the sad sack excuse of teenage-hood to fall back on…
Best suggestions:
1. Get a baby sitter if you need to run errands or get out of the house for awhile. Leave the baby at home with a responsible adult.
2. If someone other than who normally brings the child to day care is doing so, make sure the day care provider knows about the change in the usual routine, and make sure you, as the other parent, call the driver parent to make sure they drop off the child.
3. What about putting a small stuffed animal on the dashboard whenever there is a child in your car? Or some other tangible reminder that you have precious cargo on board.
4. Be vigilant. Don’t be afraid to glance into cars in parking lots as you are walking past them, especially in the hot weather. You might possibly save a life.
5. Of course, don’t leave your pets in a hot car either – for all of the same reasons.
Please feel free to leave other suggestions and comments as always.
1926 US advertisement. “Birth Control” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Taking a deep breath and preparing to plunge in and tackle a very controversial subject: the dreaded “A” word. Since Roe v Wade it’s certainly been a (scaldingly) hot button topic and very divisive. Everyone’s got an opinion and will share if asked, and sometimes if not asked. To start, let me tell you where I stand, just so you can get a clear picture of where I’m coming from, further down the line. I don’t, and never have, believed in abortion as a convenient method of birth control. Be responsible. Dance, pay the band. Period. If you are going to be sexually active and don’t want or shouldn’t have children then use birth control. If you do get pregnant and cannot for whatever reason raise the child yourself with your partner, then there’s PLENTY of wonderful couples out there who would love to raise a child that they cannot biologically have on their own. And jsyk: I don’t think adoptive parents should be single. Child rearing is the toughest job on the planet, you shouldn’t start out on that journey alone.
There are, however, circumstances wherein I feel abortion should be a viable option for a woman, should she so choose. These include the following: pregnancy resulting from incest or rape, maternal health issues which would make it dangerous for the pregnancy to continue, issues with the fetus that would make it dangerous for the pregnancy to continue. There are others, but that gives you all a general idea. Certainly, the ultimate choice is up to the woman, and her physician, and her partner if she has one. She should also feel free to consult her pastor, priest, rabbi, imam etc etc for guidance and support as she sees fit. What the abortion issue is NOT , in my mind, is ANYONE forcing their belief system on another human being. Women considering terminating a pregnancy should be given information to make the best decision for them – not judged. Which brings me to legislation.
One cannot, should not, legislate morality – as regards non-criminal activity. Abortion is not a crime. It is conducted under strict medical supervision by licensed physicians (hopefully, by practicing OB/GYN’s). We’ve come a long from back alley coat hanger procedures. It is not up me to judge anyone having an abortion for whatever reason. I have my opinion, but it is not up to me to point fingers at anyone else. I can only live my life by my standards and raise my children to do the same. They may choose to disagree with my standards and develop their own as adults. And they should. Part of my job as a parent is to encourage critical thinking skills – to think for themselves and not blindly follow any teaching. “Blindly follow” being the key words here. DO THE RESEARCH. ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS. THINK. DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. And don’t let anyone else tell you what’s right. If your moral compass is strong, if your parents have done their job correctly, and you’ve done your research, you’ll know. But, you still don’t have the right to force your beliefs on anyone else. You can only decide what’s right for you.
The tightening of abortion regulations on an already well regulated industry serves few purposes: the insertion of fundamentalist beliefs into the government. Where they have no place being. This insertion also serves to assist women in remaining second class citizens because they have to jump through more hoops in order to get the care that they, their partner, and their physician have already agreed upon. For example, it is completely heartless and unfair to force a woman undergo a sonogram before she terminates a pregnancy. I am hard pressed to think of another aspect of health care that one has to endure so much to receive.
I don’t believe for an instant that our representatives are interested in “improving the health and safety of women”. Abortions – whether you approve of them or not, are among the safest of medical procedures. What our representatives are doing, at best, is caving in to pressure from the far right, fundamentalist special interest groups. At worst, they are using their powerful positions to impose their personal beliefs upon their constituents. If this is the case, this is an extreme abuse of power and a conflict of interest.
In any case, it is none of my business what a woman, her partner, and her doctor decide in terms of her health care decisions. I may be asked advice by a female friend, which I would give, but otherwise I’m Sgt Schultz: “I see nothzing, I know nothzing”. Women today have options and should be making informed decisions. That does not mean they should be forced to undergo unnecessary procedures in order to meet a ridiculous legal requirement. It does not mean that an abortion clinic should be closed because the physicians do not have privileges at local hospitals.
Under the Hippocratic Oath folks, doctors are obligated to treat the sick. Reputable Health Clinics, family planning included, have arrangements with their local area hospitals (transfer agreements) that address patient care arising from complications from any procedure. A person with complications from an outpatient procedure is going to be brought to the nearest hospital and treated, regardless of whether the physician doing that procedure has privileges there or not. A patient showing up in an ER with post procedure complications is treated, period. Access to safe, secure, and well regulated health care is, I believe, a fundamental right of our insured citizens. Emergent/Urgent care is the right of All. It is not up to the government to decide a woman’s reproductive rights, or to increase the requirements for access to reproductive procedures. To do so sends women right back to those alleys and coat hangers. This is 2012, not 1912, 1952, or 1972; and frankly – I was hoping we were better than this.
Here’s a big shout out THANK YOU to my youngest, who cheerfully acquiesces to our requests to help out with stuff around the house. The older one’s working full time now, and even when not is not home much (ahh, teenagers and summer!) The Viking showed our littlest shining star ( who’s not quite so little anymore) how to run the lawnmower the other evening and put her right to work. Note the safety glasses – Dad’s taking no chances. She was more than happy to help, especially since this is a chore that involves reimbursement at better than slave wages! She’s saving up to purchase Copic markers for her artwork and art projects. She even mowed the interior after she was done with the outside.
Side Yard
A Little Shade
Down the Stretch
Dad was sure happy to have the help. She wasn’t too happy I took these though. I have a feeling its gonna be a long, hot summer. And now, I want to go watch that movie – but we are going to a picnic/barbeque with friends in CT this afternoon – which will be even more fun. They have a new baby (Miss Ella) and I can’t wait to meet her!
The Sandwich Generation (Photo credit: MediaStorm)
All things unfold as they are meant to, in the circle. Its been a rough week here in my neck of the woods. I’ve posted before about being in the middle of the sandwich generation. We are now gearing up for the full-on sandwich buffet menu here. I have a filial duty to my mother to provide respectful and empathetic assistance as much as I can. I intend to honor that, yet finding the line to walk it is proving difficult. I have much to consider besides my parent – not the least of which is my own family and their needs, as well as my own. I’m more than a bit stressed, to stay the least. Its the busiest time of year for me at work with the end of the fiscal year looming, our annual fiscal audit coming up, and recontracting with the state for FY 13 in process. I couldn’t possibly be more busy and there couldn’t be a more inconvenient time for my parent and step parent to be having health issues…. I know, that sounds extremely selfish, and I feel like a horrible person for even thinking it, never mind actually writing it down. I know I’m not alone in the boat, I have my sister and my step siblings to assist them as well. Yet, THEIR house is not where my mother shows up in the middle of the night because of her anxiety, and THEIR phone is not the one ringing at 4 am because my mother happened to see a light on in my living room…. (Yes - there are definite drawbacks to living down the street from one’s parents, just so you know). OK, enough kvetching for one post (I’m sure you’re tired of reading it anyway).
I went with Mom yesterday to her annual physical. She brought the health care proxy forms and signed the HIPPA releases so my sister and I can be informed about her health and speak with her providers. HIPPA can be SO flipping RIDICULOUS – her health care provider would not even allow ME to tell HIM any information until those STUPID forms had been signed! I said a quick prayer before heading out to this appointment yesterday. A prayer so that I could remain focused,calm, and objective in advocating for my Mom. It seemed to have worked. Things unfolded naturally and I was able to communicate what I needed to -to both my Mother and her health care provider – in a respectful and caring manner. I’ve been angry and frustrated with her - I won’t deny it – and my Aunt (her youngest sister) reminded me gently to try my best to put it aside and focus on the goal – which is to help my Mom. Since I knew I couldn’t do that by myself, I asked for divine assistance – and got it. I am now more confident that her HCP is fully informed about what’s been going on with her and left her doctor’s office feeling a bit more positive about the situation at hand. Also, I left there knowing that my mother heard what I had to say because I said it without anger. My Mom’s other sister has also been instrumental in helping me focus and I truly appreciate the fact that my mother has such supportive and caring siblings – and I have such supercalifragilisticexpealidocious Aunts! Not only does it take a village to raise a child, it takes one to care for the sick and elderly.
Today was my stepfathers day to see his dr. Mom called me after lunch today to let me know he’d been admitted to the hospital to run some tests. (nothing too serious) I could hear the relief in her voice that they will be able to get some answers and treatment for him. Hope springs eternal that her anxiety will remain lessened, and my phone or doorbell won’t be ringing in the wee hours. The family has some planning to do, certainly, in order to assist them with their health and safety – and to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible.
I am eternally grateful that my sister and I did not have to deal with all this with our Dad. Despite the horrible ache of not having been able to say goodbye, at least we didn’t have to watch him on the slippery slope of old age and ill health. Because it SUCKS – Royally……
Because we don’t speak the dialect used in the beginning of the song this is how we sing it at my house: “Pennnn- sylvania! Baba reese siva ba ; Sven ya ma (sven ya ma)” Then “Pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom, pink pajamas penguins on the bottom…” etc. Hope this left you laughing!
. And finally: What do I want to do with the next 30+ years of my life? I’ve certainly discovered a passion for writing and photography in the last year or so. I would like to build on that if I can.
